One cannot say “Goodbye without first saying Hello. These two words are one of the most valuable promise of being with someone to care about, to be friends with and not be alone in this confusing world of ours. Most of our songs movies and plays are about being one to being a couple. This conflict starts with Hello.

Hello is said with an upward tone Hello!!! This word is full of promise of being with someone be it a good friend/boyfriend /girlfriend. Hello is one of societies upbeat words. Whereas, goodbye is on a downward tone – fear of being alone again.

The Beatles song by Lennon/McCartney

“Hello Goodbye” is filled with confusion reflecting on their observation of the people and themselves trying to stay together but the promise of not being alone clashes with their need to be separate.

You say Stop and I say Go, go, go”.
Oh no.
You say “Goodbye” and I say hello
Hello, hello
I say Hello”.
I don’t know why you say “goodbye: and I say “hello”

Hello is a powerful word indeed. It is the first thing we say to one another, our first words when we meet a stranger – it holds a promise- a future and was first derived from the word “Hullo”. What promise? To not be alone. Avoiding the goodbyes that inevitably may come within the first few months after “Hello”. Another is in common sense- “Your gonna go out with him? Hello!”

Goodbye has a downward finality to it. Originally it meant “God be with ye.” Now it seems to be related to the dreaded Goodbye when a relationship comes to an end like a job one loves. It now means being alone again. Hope is lost. I am alone again without promise of hope to share with another. No other commonly used word is as threatening and filled with regret as that of “Goodbye”. Movies are filled with hello and move to the ending dealing with the loss or gain of the affair of two people.

I found through experience there is only one Hello and Goodbye that is not in the movies or mentioned in real life. I found out there is only one true literal oneness with another. The most intimate, the loss like no other and the process of saying Hello and Goodbye with devastating /mixed results was when I found out I was pregnant with my wee son.

At that time I was clueless. I said “Hello sweet baby of mine!” in-between nausea and vomiting wishing this common pregnancy signal were over or Goodbye- to this stage. As my ovary and sperm met, fell in love, and began embracing with the strongest bond known to women and men.

The pregnancy is a long road filled with the trees of the living and the death of winter. Both species are forced to realize the wonder of a living breathing being solely depended on the egg and sperm meeting /marrying and growing together. Inside the womb is a struggle to grow in time and in sync with a tiny cell that is so profound to both women and men creating a lifetime of Hello’s and goodbyes. One word we interpret as good- holding promise of the future while birth is like fall and winter- the stopping of that process – hello to goodbye.

When the fetus passes that 3 month danger zone of cells multiplying and growing, it is a beginning struggle between fear of having to say goodbye continues as my greeting him with hello-time until I felt the sense of fluttering in my womb. Ohh my baby’s “quickening” like a soft butterfly passing through. I have been talking to my wee baby which makes me feel better when my head in the toilet!

There is a distinct feeling of having known this fetus – we are one by pure logic and it is more than that. It is the first time ever that I am not alone. All my life especially being born to a mother who only found out she was pregnant when she broke out all over in a rash. She was told by her family doctor that she was 5 months pregnant with me- an invader interrupting her work with her other babies’. A boy at 6 months old and a sister of 3 yrs. My father’s hatred for any child at all did not stop him from having unprotected sex with my mother. For my mother it was another mouth to feed more bullying from my father and she went away after my birth. If that is not a total goodbye to life for my mother and for me the words goodbye from her to me was to death itself.

Like all children unwanted but forced to live in a hateful dormitory filled with mother’s fear, anger and hopelessness we are already left to live alone yet feed from their bodies in a jail filled with goodbyes.

My sweet wee fetus was filled with flowers of adoration. This is the most wonderful deeply spiritual feeling of oneness. It is the 3rd of many goodbyes to being alone. The first time of loving so deeply and having it returned as one long ten month breathe. It is goodbye to I and hello to our long hellos with this baby as one. Throwing up is now in the goodbye box of joy. The Hello box fills up with all those well wishes from people I don’t even know.

Taking this time filled with hello to my beautiful baby and body that is now telling us that he is there night and day as Infinity herself. I sing, he moves now is the perfect harmony between hello-goodbye as time is our enemy. We share now my lungs, my kidneys, my heartbeat he knows I am there the drummer to the drum. Oh hello -and goodbye to the months of silence now filled with joy. Goodbye to morning sickness, hellos to growing uterus now showing me off as a grower of love- an important needed part of our whole system of hello- good-bye!

Every moment of pregnancy is hello – hello to size and shape; floating he was then hello to his legs, arms, blood flow that is ours. I breathe he receives oxygen, I exhale he rids his body of Co2, my heart beats- his replies, my kidneys work for ours, my blood is his blood, my cells are his- everything is now ours as one. We are both as one no longer alone. I no longer receive devastating blows of hatred as parents reject because one of them is sexually turned on.

I am the protector and getting in the car I no longer can put my seatbelt on. I have little ability with my body. My wee boy now at his limit to size- the joy of his movement our songs still sung as we near his time to come out of hiding. Regret is no word I wish to hear as our game of karate gets slower like a toy with a battery worn out. I sing he tries to move- I move and feel my chest no longer can.

It is time threatening our hellos all so thrilling all so as one, now no room for his wee karate kicks which to show we are as one night and day, winding down as a favourite old grandfather clock. day and night.

But where is the husband of our mutual product? How is he without the experience of being one. Yes my husband feels the movement and alone watches the joy he can never give. Already a bully putting me down that doesn’t matter now that I found my other -my unconditional other coming to follow the light. We both sense our mother nature’s’ force to separate us without our knowledge of what cost this will have on us my wee song and I. Both facing the loss we never shall get over.. the massive loss like no other – the only time we must separate as two instead of one.

Many songs written try to sort out the confusion of these two basic powerful words dealing with our soul scraping words of goodbye and hello still remain confused. Originally goodbye meant “God be with ye.” An innocent enough word by itself. Later there is more to this evocative word- loss or rejection of things or ideas; parting.

It is time now to face our goodbyes of our treasure hunt finding each other. Know me and I knowing you is a love song a never ending fearless bond of pure friendship respect and laughter. As one we must part for Mother Nature knows when we must part. I know now time is near- my womb rebelling, my muscle ready to take their powerful arms pushing you to the light of unknown adventure. We hang on till we can no longer resist Mother Nature’s song to free you for the first time ever.

My womb wakes me up, my labour started our goodbye too. I want to look beautiful for my son your name is Andre – the King of Latvia as strong as I know you will be. Now my face presentable I dress as my husband nervously waits – our drive is long my time in labour already at 2 minutes between contractions. I worry not, I know you are safe and our goodbye has started. Bumps as the car flies down the highway ensuring a safe arrival as I disconnect from the labour pains.

Ahh the Obstetrician is on call I silently pray that he arrives on time. However, a very strong Hello comes from my mouth- I must have an enema. My stricken face of a child as I tell them for two weeks I have had diarrhea so I don’t need anything more. My Andre is quiet – his karate kicks gone and my heart knows it is goodbyes for now. I am jolted by the strength of my contractions. I want to throw up trying to ring this emergency bell. Finally, I am freed and am lying on the stretcher. My doctor appears and reassured me all is fine. I am given an injection for pain.

No one knows about the years of abuse. I learned how to handle torture and I stared at the wall.

I suddenly woke up with the doctor and nurses amazed there were no tears from my ripping uterine contractions. No yelling, screaming letting all know this the screams of our long goodbye. The grieving already started. The mourning already here. It is for loss of our oneness. It is time for us both to get know, each other as son and mother. They appeared amazed and gave me a private room rewarding me for my totally quiet when contractions cripple even the strongest of woman. I know hearing the screams and mourning that should be mine. This woman is fighting the loss of one now fighting to two. It was my lack of screaming that amazed them so – my silent goobye’s my worried hello. I did not tell them of my ability with pain. With broken nose I said not a word. It was goodbye to my hope and hello to my control over pain. I knew it confused them and my screams stopped their feeding. If there are no screams of outrage then there can be no satisfaction.

My husband now holds my hand, the numbing of the area from waste down completed. Suddenly my wee babe was crying -I then saw him and said to my baby “There you are my Andres.” The biggest hello of my life and the quietness of my goodbye to our oneness. It is the beginning of the struggle to balance the happiness with the sadness. We were one and now two.

A big hello to my son. He knows not of the cold and my heart breaking. My babe, my sweet, sweet son a few minutes later are separated and both in shock. I say Hello my sweet babe and looming above me is darkness waiting, waiting, to say hello and to drag me into the deep sorrow of goodbye. To all women who have Postpartum Blues a mans’ doctors’ definition of our hysteric do not believe!

It is not our hormones that create this slippery slope of depression. Men like to think of it as hormones- aren’t we women always troubled by hormones and not the silence of their unspoken words. They do not tell the long ten month story. How did they feel watching our grown unconditional love for our unborn baby.

We are at that moment feeling the depth of our blackness of goodbyes to having you my dear son within me. Now you are gone- like any there are mourners from an insider held so very gently by the cable hands of the muscle of my womb. I hid you, our hearts beat as one. That sounds exactly what we feel. To say goodbye to the ability to communicate without words. To smile without laughter. To sing without necessity of a band. To glow feeling so alive with purpose. For what greater purpose is there than to hold you close to my heart. We breathe as one; we laugh as one. We move as one. I have legs to carry you and now you have your own. I have a heart which beat and now your own heart beats. My kidneys no longer needed, yours does just fine.

We have entered a curious time of hello’s and goodbyes from dependant to independent a complicated dance. For mother’s and babies have a secret code. It is of unconditional love from womb to hello – a life-long continuum of hello and goodbye we now know of our love has been and always will be unconditional love.