Tarzan by Maja Siffredi

Mia and Ron have been lying in the bedroom for hours, he is deep in a sleep, she is counting sheep. With each of his snoring tirades one of her fluffy sleeping aids dies, she holds his nose shut. Puts her pillow over his face. After a long gap, he finally wakes up.

Mia: darling, you make strange noises
Ron (puffing): I dreamt that I was suffocating.

She crawls out of bed to open the window, a little oxygen should calm the man down, she thinks as she cuddles back to him.

Mia: I can’t sleep.
Ron: What’s the matter, babe? Did you have a nightmare, too?

Comprehensively he wraps his arms around her, pulling them as close as possible to his naked body.

Mia: No, but I have so many things in my head they don’t leave me alone.
Ron: Do you want to talk about it?
Mia: Fuck communication, long live penetration!

Five minutes later

Ron (wheezing): Boah what a night! I’ve never seen anything like it – you horny bitch drive me completely crazy.
Mia: Why doesn’t Tarzan have a full beard? I mean, the guy’s always in the jungle and still is shaved so clean. There’s something wrong.
Ron: Really? It’s 3:00 in the morning, I’m in the post-orgasmic chill mode, and you want to talk about Tarzan?
Mia: Would you prefer the Kickl (Editor’s note: an Austrian rightwing politician) as a topic of conversation?
Ron: Somebody should shut you up.
Mia: Again?
Ron: Due to the high humidity in the jungle, hair on the face would be a nuisance, which is why all the indigenous people do not grow beard stubbles.
Mia: I see.
Ron: Sleep well.
Mia: And what about monkeys? They’ve got hair everywhere.
Ron: Honey, please.
Mia: Do you think Tarzan only fucked Jane? Maybe he was practicing at Chita’s? Perhaps that’s how the HIV virus spread to humans. Maybe Mogli was nothing more than a monkey-nibbling bastard?
Ron: Will you shut up or…?
Mia: Or what?
Ron: Or I’ll abandon you in the jungle.
Mia: I love you too.
Ron: Sleep well.
Mia: Do you have a bolt cutter at home?

He resolutely gets up, takes aim at the chest of drawers, claws the roll of parcel tape from the drawer before he crawls back to the lunatic in his bed…..